The Christmas Season

Because this year it didn't seem as though Christmas was a reality, I found that I really had to try to get into the holiday spirit.  As a kid, there seemed to be this magical force behind Christmas that really got you amped for it to come. It's all a lot different now. I found myself reflecting a lot, my parents always tried to make Christmas really special for me and my siblings. We grew up belonging to the lower-mid class, (a whole slew of kids plus a mother being supported off the single paycheck of an incredibly hard-working man.) I imagine that they really broke the bank to make all of our holiday wishes come true.

Poppa opening his gift, Christmas Morning

Our Quaint Christmas 2011

My little sister was all in the buzz for Christmas to come, and I almost found myself a bit irritated with the things she requested. But then I stopped to actually let myself realize, that just because I had grown past the hype of Christmas didn't mean that I had to deprive her of the magical wonder it could bring.

Missy on Christmas Eve

It didn't hit me until the last minute that the gift buying this year was my responsibility. (Normally Mommy takes care of this, and Poppa definitely wasn't going to step up to the plate.) I had aimed to give the youngest an arrangement of handmade gifts, but time got the best of me and so their gifts remained store-bought.
(I'd like to really thank my aunt D for helping us out so much with this kids, she really helped to make Missy's Christmas dreams a reality. I would have been a huge let-down if it wasn't for her.)

Lando on Christmas Eve

The Cousins & Video Games

Our Christmas was spent amongst family and every moment seemed to be filled with positivity and love. For my brothers and I, Christmas is a lot different now and it was quite interesting being able to reflect and embrace the new changes within our lives. There was far less gift-giving this year, but this was balanced by the incredibly high levels of happiness that was being spread. 

Cousin Donnie, adorable.

Anticipation of Midnight Gifts

Despite my procrastination, I was able to complete several homemade gifts this year. There was one that I was particularly excited for, a gift to a new found friend of mine who has recently informed me that he has a little one on the way. Ever since he shared the news with me I have found myself caught up in fascinations and daydreams of what my own adventures as a Mommy will be like. The gift consisted of a gutted and hollow Stephen King's Insomnia, in which rested; a tiny crocheted owl, a lovingly cross-stitched, teeny, tiny, Link (Heart) Zelda bib, and a small felt stocking which encompassed an incredibly long, heartfelt letter about how his experience has moved me in such a beautiful way, I truly wish him all the best.

Link (Heart) Zelda Bib

All Within a Hollowed Book

Overall, Christmas was not Christmas in the sense that I had once familiarized with, but it was wondrous nonetheless. Family intermingled with smiles and laughter amongst a vast array of food and yummy sweetness. (Curry, Enchiladas, Lasagna, Tamales, Cakes, Pies, and Truffles. All of which were homemade.)

I am excited for the ideas and feelings of rejuvenation and renewal that the new year sometimes brings. I've already started on resolutions, but my biggest and most difficult goal will be turn them all into actions this year, rather than letting them sit as ideas in my notebook.

Correlation of Thoughts

Lately I find myself wanting and dreaming of a million things that I don't have.
I constantly stop and remind myself of all of the little treasures in my life, of all the love that I have to be thankful for.

But it seems that I can't stay in one state of mind.
My inclination is to drown myself with the sadness and longing for things not in my possession. For lost love and for feelings of being alone.
(What is loneliness? I feel it is everywhere, it's a virus within all of us. Some of us just choose to feel it more than others, I suppose.)

There is one thing I find myself longing for most of anything, a companion to take on the world with me. To inspire me as I inspire them, to make memories to cherish. To destroy and create, to hurt, to love, to feel for. Someone to wake up to, someone to share all of my little secrets and thoughts with.
Someone who is looking to create a world outside of this one, because the world before us is not one that makes me happy.
In a way I feel that I need someone else to live for. There is no satisfaction within living for myself.
Someone to lean on, who can confide in me, to motivate and be motivated. Someone in which to create an escape.

Because of these ridiculous emotions, obsessions almost, I know that love is indeed factual. It is the beautifully tragic gain and loss of love that has left me feeling so entirely abandoned.

I find myself running away to my world of dreams, safe within the comforts of my little self-created dungeon. (My escape from all of civilization.)
I am fortunate for my sleep behavior, in which i can summon at almost any given time.
But this is a sad place to be living in. I don't wish to look for an escape, I want to be in the world, spreading love and compassion. I want to be a part of something bigger than myself, only… I keep stopping myself.