Change Of Pace

I'm going to keep this really short, that way I don't get too distracted from the actual purpose.

I'm going to take (yet another) stab at reassessing myself.
Pushing myself in another direction.
Self-motivation has been far from a strong point for me, but that's going to change.

I've put off a lot of the work for my finals.
When I got home all I wanted to do was head straight for bed, just let everything pass.

But I've put in the effort up until now, so why should I quit when I can see the finish line?
I was highly unproductive today, I get overwhelmed and just purge all of the important stuff from my mind in order to be okay.

Only, it's not okay. It's not okay at all.

Summer is here, it's a good season for reassessment.

A few quick goals:

• get in shape (although I have put on a few pounds, my goal isn't aimed at weigh loss, it's aimed at living a healthier lifestyle
• organize yourself (@home, @work, @school)
• engage in more outings (especially with it being summer, no reason to be indoors all day)

{Extreme side note: I'm tired of having to monitor everything that goes on in the kids life, mainly my poppa's actually. He comes and asks my permission and reasoning for things that shouldn't involve me. I love you, but I have my own problems. I have my own things to worry about, I can't dictate simple scenarios that you should be able to handle on your own.}

Dreams, Night of 5.27

There were these feelings of having to protect someone. I believe it was Lando. But there was something different about all of it. We were going to attend a ball, it was in a huge meeting place and there were a ton of important people there. I remember looking at a screen and seeing various company names and that's when it hit me. There was some kind of conspiracy and all of these companies were involved. I run toward a house to find Lando and when I do manage to find him he is much younger than in RL. He's a tiny infant, so I bundle him up in blankets and head back to the ball. Why I run back toward the ball, I am uncertain. I think I was going to use him to try and take a stance, to make a speech and expose the corruptness to the entire audience.

_ _ _

I'm at an elevator trying desperately to get downstairs in time. A door opens and there's a girl already in it. The floor of the elevator is not level with the ground level. This was very odd, in my observation and hesitation to men hop into the elevator, the doors close, and my opportunity is lost. I quickly push the button to call on another elevator. Waiting there so impatiently I find the door to the stairway with my eyes. Five levels. I look back to see the progress of the elevator. Something is wrong. There is an older woman next to me, her hair is completely gray. She seems to have a need to get to the bottom just as much as I do. I tell her my plan to take the stairs and in just another moment we are making way toward them. As we get down the first flight we have to make a jump into a room not too far below us, this is where the stairs suddenly end. I want to question it, but there is no time. There are people in the room, posted on a set of bunkbeds. It seems that this is their dwelling. I ask them for the way out and they point at a wall which has a sliver just a few inches wide as it's doorway opening. I panic as I run toward the opening and look down the narrow passageway. There is no way back from where we came and no way forward. I feel so helpless and my heart rate starts to pick up. Then I remember the lady, I run over to her to make sure she is okay. She had fallen after the jump so I help to bring her back to her feet. We both go back to the wall to look at where our haste has brought us. In a moment I hear one of the other members of the room speak "they open up sometimes."

'I don't understand?', is what the expression on my face says back to him. "The whole in wall, sometimes it opens up, gets bigger. You know?"

I turn back to the wall, highly doubting his claims but wanting so badly that the wall will begin to open up for us. And in a moment it did. I think I might have jumped or squealed from the excitement. As soon as it opened up wide enough I grabbed the lady's hand and pulled us both through. Only when we reached the hall at the end, did I yell back a thank you and wave a farewell to the strangers living in the hidden room. It's dark outside and there is still quite a way to go to reach the bottom. I run around the floor for a minute trying to find our next exit, trying to plan our next move. I see two young girls with a rolling suitcase. They are about to head down a staircase to what looks to be labeled as some sort of power reactor. I yell at them to stop, that they're going the wrong way. They look at me as though I wasn't addressing them. They look at me as if to place the people who I am talking to, and they continue on their way. The lady calls over to me as I stare at the girls departing down the stairs, completely lost in my own mind as to what exactly is happening. The lady has found an extremely long staircase which looks as though it will take us directly to the bottom. I am ecstatic and horrified all at once. We have found the way out, and it is a direct path, but how long will it take us to get there? Surely we will not make it in time. But the old lady has a lot more spunk than i could have imagined. She hands me a plastic sheet and before I can ask what it's for, she takes off on her own, sliding quick as ever down the staircase. A huge grin crosses my face. 'Lady, you are a genius.'
I quickly take off on my own make-shift sled down the huge staircase. Fortunately we both made it down in one piece.

_ _ _

There is some sort of huge outdoor show going on. I know that I don't have a ticket for it and have no idea how I'm going to get in. As I walk down the hill I stop to and take a look at my right. There is a fence and beyond the fence is ocean. The sky looks dark and foreboding, and the waves perfectly compliment it's dark and gloomy demeanor. Within all of the darkness and clouds I see a very vibrant light emitting its reflection on the water. I turn my direction toward the sky and for only a brief moment I get a glimpse at what should be the moon. It's moving though, it's animated. It's glowing so brilliantly and in a moment I finally make out what it appears to be. It looks like a dolphin, with three tails, all beautifully and graceful dancing around one another.

_ _ _

I got past the fence. It was familiar and easy. I started heading in a singular direction and when I stopped I realized I was surrounded by familiar faces. My aunt Dee and other relatives. For the first time I open my ears to hear what is playing on the stage somewhere in the distance. Florence and the Machine. Then I remember I'm supposed to have blankets. I was supposed to bring them for all of us to sit on in between the bands. I quickly leave to go fetch them and I'm headed toward the end of that huge flight of stairs. The pathway is narrow and I want to meet the gaze of the moon again. Not paying attention to what is in front of me I run straight into a boy around my age. He asks why I'm ignoring him. Why I didn't respond to his text. Suddenly I feel the weight in my pocket. Oh! It must be a phone. I pull it out and show him that it's been a while since I've checked it. He seems relieved and makes his way closer to me. I begin to walk backwards, not entirely sure of whats going on. He extends his arms to embrace me and quickly becomes confused at my retreating. "Why are you acting like this baby? Is it because (another boy's name)?" This makes me even more confused. I have no idea why there are so many people involved. I hesitate to answer. Then tell him I don't know. He stops, probably because he realizes how sincere I'm being. His face gets so close to mine, and although I'm confused it seems so familiar. We must have been intimately involved. He holds me and asks me what's been going on. I tell him softly that I don't know. I seem to get lost in his embrace. Then he steps back and asks if I know who he is. "I only know that you're someone who cares about me." He seems to get very confused and frustrated. "You mean... you don't know who I am?" I try to explain to him that there's a lot that doesn't really make sense. He looks hurt though and I feel bad. I feel comfortable and safe with him and I desperately wish that I remembered. Without saying anything he leaves. I want to call after him, but there is nothing I can say to a boy I do not remember.

_ _ _

There was more that I don't feel really feel like recapping in detail.
Quickly: I was in a car with another boy who I paid to take me back to the show. He missed the turn, had to make a U-turn, but finally got me there. There was a car stuck on the tracks of a rollercoaster ride. I'm trying to get back into the show from the entrance I used before but there is a lot more security now. It seems as though something happened. There is a girl dressed in star wars pants and a matching vest. I see three teachers from elementary school. After a bit of waiting there is an opening to get back into the show. Things have shifted though and I now have Lando, Em, and Rox. This makes it very complicated to try and get us all coordinated and over the wall that stands before us. Sublime is playing.

Dreams 5.25

This morning my alarm went off at six. It didn't startle to me though, and I wasn't in the slightest angry at it for awakening me. (I've been using this app called Sleep which has been doing an excellent job of waking me up during light sleep periods.) I would have gotten up too, but my dreams decided to keep me under for a while.

The first of my dreams was about zombies, no surprise there. I was in a two-story home. My poppa and the baby were there. There were also several other people as well. I remember being in a dark downstairs room trying to text message somebody, there were very strange feelings surrounding this. Eventually I headed up the stairs into another dark room, but only after checking to make sure that the kids were alright in an adjacent room. As I walk into the room I head toward the window, not too far away there is a school and it appears that there is some kind of football game going on. This soons transitions to complete chaos, as it was a ploy to try and take out a group of zombies. I run out of the room to alert the others that there will likely be zombies arriving to us very soon and to prepare themselves. For some reason we are all extremely flustered, scrambling for weapons and trying to station ourselves. Why we did not plan this out before, I do not know. I run back to the room only to see a figure climbing over the awning just outside the window. I panic and quickly run to alert someone in the next room that they are here. The person I alert has several zombies of his own to take care of, so I run back into my own room to handle business. I run to the window before it is shattered to scope out my enemy. Anxiety and adrenaline courses its way throughout my body. I open the window to attack the zombie as it stumbles in. We end up doing a strange dance at arms length. I want to panic, but I don't. There is warmth that I was not expecting. With a shove I gain enough leverage to see what I am dealing with. It is a young woman about my age, rather on the muscular side as well. "Is anyone in here infected?" she yells. I lose my voice, as I was not expecting anything but a brutal fight of the undead. She repeats herself. Finally, "No, we've checked everyone in here. Are you infected?" Quickly I scour over her body, only to find a faint, but distinct bite on her arm.

"I know what's going to happen to me, but I want to help. Please let me help." Although she is pleading with me, she is incredibly calm. It isn't that familiar panicked voice I was planning on hearing from one of the infected.  Strangely enough I feel as though I can trust her, so I tell her that she can stay in the bedroom. She lies down on the bed to rest and I return to the room next door to see what has happened. It turns out it was another group of non-flesh eaters who brought by some food, but did not decide to stay. Relief flowed through all of us, as we realized we were not in this fight alone. I go downstairs and am planning on informing everyone about the new member of our team, sparing but a few details. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. I answer it, baseball bat in hand. I was planning on it being a bunch of robbers, as this has been common to us. Instead, I was greeted by a man in uniform. He requested one of the members within our household and told him he was under arrest for crimes he had committed in the past. Everyone in the house seemed a bit confused. There are zombies running around and you're here to arrest someone? The big black man went willingly though. He looked at us and smiled goodbye. He gave a soft wave and retreated from the house, glad that he was going to go somewhere where he would be watched over and safe from these zombies.

Soon enough I heard a loud bang from upstairs. I run to check on the kids, then to the room with the girl, fearing the worst has come to her. I crack the door and see her wresting with one of the undead. Quickly I run downstairs, "Give me a knife!," I yell to those who are in the kitchen. For some reason everyone just stares at me with bewildered looks on there faces. "I need a knife! Give me a knife!," Finally someone tosses one my way and I am fortunate enough to catch it without injuring myself. I run upstairs and see that the girl has handled herself well, all she has to do is finish off this monster. Only, when I look at her, I realize her transformation is coming as well. She takes the knife and drives it into the head of the monster beside her. I sit and talk with her, "You know what's going to happen, I can't let you stay here."
"I know,"
Silence follows. She gets up and paces the room once.
"I've been thinking about it," she says, "I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I think I might be able to control it."

The speech that follows, although going against anything in any sort of zombie tale, seems to make sense. I tell her she can stay.


And I don't currently have time to go into the next dream. But I do want to quickly recap it.
There was driving at night over down Torrance Blvd. I was with  Frankie and Selina, there was talk about her school and a dance or something of the sort. It's really late but we enter this restaurant that be believe to be open. I sit and walk over to a refrigerator. It's set up like a home but for some reason we still invite ourselves in. I catch the eyes of a man from the other room. I still help myself and sit down. B is there. We are arguing about something. Soon the man comes back and I realize that the restaurant has been "closed" and we were not supposed to be there. I gather up the dishes and take them to the kitchen. The man comes up to me and asks if everything is okay between me and B. I nod yes and he goes away, returning a few moments later to show me a few classic records. I wash the dishes and put them away and we leave.

The other was also strange. It involved kids in high school. Two boys, a popular girl, and a quiet girl. The two boys were quite close. This was also at night. There was driving, it was raining pretty hard though and hard to see. The quiet girl went for a walk near a pond,  she was admiring the dim lighting against the water that surrounded her. She was admiring the sweet lilac and light pink petals that surrounded her. She ran into the boy and instantly he was drawn to her. Back at school he approached her. At about the same time his friend approached the popular girl. Entirely coincidental. They ended up forming this rather odd friendship. The boy invited the quiet girl over, his friend and the popular girl also came. There were stories about the boys father. The mother that had passed away, and the devotion of love that he still had for her. The boy left their presence. The popular girl decided to wander his house without permission. She led the quiet girl down a set of stairs that led to a sanctuary that the father had created for the lost mother. It was rather creepy and they definitely weren't supposed to have found it. The popular girl stuck out in time leaving the quiet girl inside, a gate shut her off from the rest of the house.
The rest of this was just very strange. The boy decided he wanted to marry the girl. Wanted to have a baby with her. He was demanding without being demanding. He was pathetic and mentally unstable. His rationality lost, but he was still sweet. He just wanted to fix the family he never got to have. He wanted to create a family in which to be a part of. Very twisted. He wasn't mean, just very unorthodox.

Over the past few days I have been in a huge burst of anxiety driven disorder.

I have realized that my mind and body have fallen out of sync with one another.

My mind is compelled to do wondrous things, it remains constantly active. In contrast, my body has been enthralled into a fit of lethargy. It sleeps mostly, and when it arises, it appears to be a slump that merely drags itself from here to there. My mind has such bright, brilliant ideas, but my body simply refuses to fulfill them. How will I overcome this dilemma? I cannot possibly allow my body, to conquer my mind. I also have not been taking into account my spirit, which is what I believe is the true root of the problem. It seems to have gone AWOL and without it... well I am stuck in a rut.

Anyway, at the moment I am sitting here with a plate full of delicious and warm garlicky potatoes.

It has been a while since I have felt this calm. I also realized that a huge factor to my anxiety has been been my humble little room, which is now far from humble or little for that matter. I wish I had photos of my past dwelling, maybe I could find comfort within them. Alas, I cannot go back to my quite little corner and I must embrace my new space and do my best to make it as cozy as possible.

I suppose I should start by getting off of this computer, and doing rather than thinking or daydreaming of it being done. I probably shouldn't have had all of those potatoes for myself either.

-Mo.

Dreamscape

Anxiety is something that comes and goes, it's been lingering around here much longer than I'd like though.

Looking for a new part-time job, something that I can enjoy.
Looking for a place where I feel necessary, where I might be doing some good for someone.
Where I might do some good for myself.

Sleep is the closest I get.

The Christmas Season

Because this year it didn't seem as though Christmas was a reality, I found that I really had to try to get into the holiday spirit.  As a kid, there seemed to be this magical force behind Christmas that really got you amped for it to come. It's all a lot different now. I found myself reflecting a lot, my parents always tried to make Christmas really special for me and my siblings. We grew up belonging to the lower-mid class, (a whole slew of kids plus a mother being supported off the single paycheck of an incredibly hard-working man.) I imagine that they really broke the bank to make all of our holiday wishes come true.

Poppa opening his gift, Christmas Morning

Our Quaint Christmas 2011

My little sister was all in the buzz for Christmas to come, and I almost found myself a bit irritated with the things she requested. But then I stopped to actually let myself realize, that just because I had grown past the hype of Christmas didn't mean that I had to deprive her of the magical wonder it could bring.

Missy on Christmas Eve

It didn't hit me until the last minute that the gift buying this year was my responsibility. (Normally Mommy takes care of this, and Poppa definitely wasn't going to step up to the plate.) I had aimed to give the youngest an arrangement of handmade gifts, but time got the best of me and so their gifts remained store-bought.
(I'd like to really thank my aunt D for helping us out so much with this kids, she really helped to make Missy's Christmas dreams a reality. I would have been a huge let-down if it wasn't for her.)

Lando on Christmas Eve

The Cousins & Video Games

Our Christmas was spent amongst family and every moment seemed to be filled with positivity and love. For my brothers and I, Christmas is a lot different now and it was quite interesting being able to reflect and embrace the new changes within our lives. There was far less gift-giving this year, but this was balanced by the incredibly high levels of happiness that was being spread. 

Cousin Donnie, adorable.

Anticipation of Midnight Gifts

Despite my procrastination, I was able to complete several homemade gifts this year. There was one that I was particularly excited for, a gift to a new found friend of mine who has recently informed me that he has a little one on the way. Ever since he shared the news with me I have found myself caught up in fascinations and daydreams of what my own adventures as a Mommy will be like. The gift consisted of a gutted and hollow Stephen King's Insomnia, in which rested; a tiny crocheted owl, a lovingly cross-stitched, teeny, tiny, Link (Heart) Zelda bib, and a small felt stocking which encompassed an incredibly long, heartfelt letter about how his experience has moved me in such a beautiful way, I truly wish him all the best.

Link (Heart) Zelda Bib

All Within a Hollowed Book

Overall, Christmas was not Christmas in the sense that I had once familiarized with, but it was wondrous nonetheless. Family intermingled with smiles and laughter amongst a vast array of food and yummy sweetness. (Curry, Enchiladas, Lasagna, Tamales, Cakes, Pies, and Truffles. All of which were homemade.)

I am excited for the ideas and feelings of rejuvenation and renewal that the new year sometimes brings. I've already started on resolutions, but my biggest and most difficult goal will be turn them all into actions this year, rather than letting them sit as ideas in my notebook.

Correlation of Thoughts

Lately I find myself wanting and dreaming of a million things that I don't have.
I constantly stop and remind myself of all of the little treasures in my life, of all the love that I have to be thankful for.

But it seems that I can't stay in one state of mind.
My inclination is to drown myself with the sadness and longing for things not in my possession. For lost love and for feelings of being alone.
(What is loneliness? I feel it is everywhere, it's a virus within all of us. Some of us just choose to feel it more than others, I suppose.)

There is one thing I find myself longing for most of anything, a companion to take on the world with me. To inspire me as I inspire them, to make memories to cherish. To destroy and create, to hurt, to love, to feel for. Someone to wake up to, someone to share all of my little secrets and thoughts with.
Someone who is looking to create a world outside of this one, because the world before us is not one that makes me happy.
In a way I feel that I need someone else to live for. There is no satisfaction within living for myself.
Someone to lean on, who can confide in me, to motivate and be motivated. Someone in which to create an escape.

Because of these ridiculous emotions, obsessions almost, I know that love is indeed factual. It is the beautifully tragic gain and loss of love that has left me feeling so entirely abandoned.

I find myself running away to my world of dreams, safe within the comforts of my little self-created dungeon. (My escape from all of civilization.)
I am fortunate for my sleep behavior, in which i can summon at almost any given time.
But this is a sad place to be living in. I don't wish to look for an escape, I want to be in the world, spreading love and compassion. I want to be a part of something bigger than myself, only… I keep stopping myself.